Every now and then I wish I lived in the Northern Territory. Not because it’s steeped in more than 40,000 years of fascinating indigenous history (hello, creationists.)
Not because it’s where they fi lmed parts of Crocodile Dundee (and if you’re reading this Hoges, throw another BAS statement on the barbie.) Not even because I’m afraid that I’ll never, never know if I never, never go.
No, I just love the place because it’s chock-full of nutbars. Darwin is full of people with colourful pasts. The late, great Australian comedian Dave Grant used to say that a sure-fi re way to empty any pub in Darwin was to stand on a table, pull a piece of paper out of your pocket and shout “I have a warrant for…”
So clearly it’s the place to go if you’re keen to encounter a ‘‘character’’. It’s also the place to go if you’re keen to encounter wellplaced public nudity with your breakfast.
Last week, a woman stripped naked in front of dozens of breakfasters outside a popular Darwin cafe. Not riotously hilarious in itself but possibly more so when you consider she bared all on Dick Ward Drive, which is located in Fannie Bay. And in case you’re wondering: I’ll grow up when you do. (I know that last week I told you about my idea for nude voting and now I’m talking all things starkers again. I’m not obsessed with nudity. Really. I just fi nished watching the second series of Underbelly on DVD. Can you tell?)
Apparently the nude woman was caught up in a fi st-fi ght with another woman, who was obviously gifted in the art of one-onone combat. You know as well as I do that the best way to win a fi st-fi ght is to convince your opponent to get their gear off. It’s like public speaking: people are immediately less intimidating when you can picture them nude.
According to the Northern Territory News (the publication that once featured a pullout- and-keep wall chart of Australian Prime Ministers on the same day its front page headline screamed “UFO Holy Grail!”) patrons of the cafe were reportedly “unimpressed” and “children were rushed inside.”
There’s every chance I’m a little more laid-back than most but why the rush to remove the kids? Surely the sight of a naked adult is a perfect opportunity to teach a child a valuable lesson: “See, Bradley? If you eat all your crusts your hair will grow curly!”
A witness to the nude altercation described it as “a shocker” on the grounds that “people were trying to eat.” Lighten up, I say.
What’s wrong with a pasty punch-on with your poached eggs? And why should it be only your eggs that are free range?
I suspect this is the real reason television survivalist Bear Grylls recently described the Northern Territory as the world’s “most treacherous terrain”. The Man Vs Wild star, whose travels have seen him use survival skills ranging from drinking urine saved in a snake skin to using the corpse of a sheep as a sleeping bag (and yes, ladies, he is married) admitted to feeling scared on his recent visit up north. And why wouldn’t he be fearful?
The only thing more frightening than a stark raving nude with a penchant for a punch is one who’s yet to have their morning coffee.
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