I got a vasectomy. Then I got remarried — and my new wife wants kids. What do I do?

Breakups are never easy., but Orlando Bloom insists he and former fiancée Katy Perry have no ex drama after calling it quits this year. If you aren’t so lucky — or are having a hard time bouncing back from a split — ask Amy and T.J. about it by sending your questions to askamyandtj@yahoo.com. To hear more from our resident relationship advisers, check out their podcast.

Amy & T.J.,

I’m a 45-year-old man with two kids from my first marriage. After having those children, I got a vasectomy.

I remarried four years ago and told my current wife about my vasectomy while we were dating. Now she’s asking me if I would want to get the vasectomy reversed so we can have our own family.

What should I do?

— Dad Can’t Decide

Gut reaction

T.J. Holmes: That’s tough. Maybe you didn’t think you’d get married again or that you would find someone you’d want to have a family with again, and now you have. Do you want kids? We have to ask that question.

Amy Robach: I had that same question. But then I realized that our reader got the vasectomy. So he already answered our question. He did not want more kids.

On further thought…

AR: Since you’re asking us what to do, I’m going to infer that you don’t want to have more kids, but that you also don’t want to disappoint your new wife. Because if you wanted or were immediately willing to have more children, you wouldn’t be writing to us. You’d just say, “OK, sweetheart, I’ll go get my vasectomy reversed.”

So, first of all: You should never agree to have children if you don’t think you want more children. Because children are difficult. You already know this, because you have two children. You know that, yes, children are cute and sweet and beautiful, and they look like so much fun when you see other people’s kids. But when you’re actually raising them … it’s a lot of work.

TJH: You have two options: Before you do anything, you should decide what you want to do. Or, you can talk it through with your current wife. I would recommend that you just be very honest. Tell her that you had the vasectomy because you were done having kids. Let her know that you love her and that you’re planning to be with her for the rest of your lives but that you’re not necessarily sure about having more kids.

You’re 45. You’re a grown-ass man. You do not have time to tiptoe around these big issues in your life. Talk to your wife. It sounds simple enough, and I know it might be difficult to actually do, but that’s what you need to do first.

AR: You have to first be honest with yourself. Then be honest with your partner. Because this is a major decision. It’s surgery. And then it could be a lot of work to conceive, because it’s not a guarantee. You might have to go into IVF or artificial insemination. There might be a whole other layer of procedures you and your wife have to go through, and they are expensive and time-consuming and emotionally charged. Just because you get your vasectomy reversed, that doesn’t mean that suddenly, Boom, you aren’t shooting blanks.

TJH: And if it works, and you really did want to have a kid, now you’ve gotta cuss this kid out from birth through high school graduation!

AR: Ha, hilarious. You won’t. I do wonder: Can someone be convinced to have a child with someone because you love that person, not necessarily because you want more children?

TJH: I think the answer is absolutely yes. I think it’s possible that,when you hear how much it means to your spouse or partner, you start to envision a future, a life, that maybe you didn’t understand before. For some people, it’s about a bloodline that’s dwindling. For others, it’s just realizing how meaningful it can be to have a kid. But, man, if you do not want to have more kids? Never mind the vasectomy — if you don’t want to have a child, that’s tough.

AR: And your wife went into this marriage knowing that you had a vasectomy and were done making babies. So for her to ask you to reconsider now, she must know that that’s a big ask. She would have to be prepared for you to say, “I still don’t want kids.”

The final word

TJH: Talk kindly to your wife about this issue. This is the person you love. This is a life-altering decision, but it’s not changing who she is. You’re both the same people who love each other. But now you have a decision to make. You have something to talk about.

AR: There is a lot of emotion with this decision. Some people feel like having a child is a desire to have an extension of themselves, of you, as a couple.

If you don’t want that, your partner may take it as a rejection. Those emotions could cloud your clarity, and hers. But it’s good, as T.J. noted, to remind you both that there is no major change in who you are or what you stand for. This is about coming to a decision about your future. New things come up all the time in a relationship, and you have to make choices. If you can make them together, with respect, that’s the best way forward

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